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To esteemed members of the ____ laboratory,

If mAhh inTereSt Iz $pARked Ahh be HigHlEE MoTivaTed. Ahh Hv trAvelled AN’ LIVedddd Ynn Daa wuRlD, Ah bEE CENTeRedd An’ THuh IZZ Lil wrKK Ahh CannoT Do. AH Be ThougHtfuL, EffiCiNt, An’ CrEATIvE; ENayyy PosisHUN u plAcE Me Yn UU Wil c FUlfilleD. Ah DO thInGs Nwt OUTi o’ dutee, But OUti O’ PersonAL mEANin An’ VaLue, ynnnnn MAhh OpINIOnnn Uh mucH MO’ efficINTT AN” wOrthayyy US o” mah tym, AN” Yours, AaS uh EmpLoyuh. DAt $es, iff Thuh IZ EnAyy ChalLengeSSS Dat ArIse,,, Ah Wil bbb mOtivAteD 2 COmplete DeM Nahh MattUh Da DiffIcULTeE OR $trainnn AWn Mah PeRsOnhoOd– It wIl B accOMPLishED AN” Otha Tasksss Ahh HaDD FElttt IT NeCEssaRee 2 AccoMplISH wil allso B. dis $eRVes AaS uHHH ReflEcshun O’ Mahhh IntErest, Mah PatienCe,, AN’ Mah VAluEsssss AAS Uh HUMaN bein.

iiii hVV WorkED Full-tIMe Fawrr DA Full 6 dAyss OuTI o” dA 66 DaYSS AvaiLabLE yn uhh WeEK,, HAvinnn DoNEE $O FAwrr 5 AN’ UHH HAlf monTHs. Ah compLeTED Mah BACHeLoR o’ $cIencE DeGreee Yn UH $PecIAlizeDD PrograM O” NeurosciEnce, ALL DAAA WHile Neva losiN $ighT O’ MAH VaLuES,, WIcH AHHHH Assur U Been tEsted. AH GAiNEdd uH DegReE An’ uh qUalifIcashuN, BUt Ah Hvv LeaRNeD $O MUch MO’ THn Dat. Ah Hvvv GaiNed InVaLuaBLee Lyf experiENCe; FrM Da WorkfOrCE, Frm MOwn LecturS,, FrMMMM Daa peeps AH MaDe,, fRM labb AlloCasHunS WiT neuroscienTISTs Hoo wrk Yn NEurAll RegenerAsHun THeraPayY, HOOO InVestiG88 Uh PlethoRa O’ PhysIOlOgIcallll $pEcimeNs, HopIn 2 CUr DiseAsE, WiTTTT MiCrOsCopess An’ PatienCe. Yn MAH $paRee tyMM Ah reAD, AHH Write,, Ah pLaayY DA guitar obSeSSIveLee, aHH TeAch MyseLf Da Tyuhs O” WeB DeVelopmnt An” PrograMmiN,,, Ah $TaRE CONteMpLatiVeLee NTO Da DiStance Or AT Neuhh ObjeX’ DETaIls, AN’ Wen MaHH IntroversiOnn ALlows Fawr It- Ahhhh bE OutI Ynnn da $Treetz,, Walkin ROun’, TaLKiNNN 2 NIggAs. $miLing.

wHEnn IT COmeS 2 wrk,, Ah Hvvv worked CasuAllll $ummUH Jobs alLSo. Ah HV DOne mah bEStt 22 MainTaiN uh CleaN worKspaCEEE (kITCHenSS An’ $toRes mOSTly), b COngEnialll An’ HelPFULLL 222 CuSTomuhs we’sss mite Hv Had,,,,, Hopinnn 22 Pearll Demmm WIT $Omethin DeAyYYY DID NWttt Hv BefO’. EItHA Uh prODuct Datt ENHancEd Thuh LYf $OMeho, Orr uh homIe DEaYy Did Nwtt EXPEcT 22 Find. Ah HV EXPErience Ynn LaB EnvironMeNTs AllsO,, rouN” OTHa $cieNtiSTs- DisCoverinn WIT PeUhs, Dealin WIT OTHuhs’ OpiniOnssss An”” Growinnn AwN OthUhS’ PeRspECTiVes. woRkiNN Yn Teams, AcqUiRin $olUshuns,, $teNcilIn Resultssss DOWn, $etTiN UHpp An’ FiNe-tUniNN equiPmnt,, awaitInn Daa ResuLTS. Ah Bee HappaYy 2 do Da Wrk RequirEDDD Ynn Yo” PrEStigious LAboRAToree, AN’ AHH PeeP ForWaRDDD 2 Da OppOrTunity.

nEurosciencE hAs Been UH EveR-groWinn Passionnn O’ Mine, An’ Ah $eEmm UNABLeee 222 $hAKe Izzz CONstantt IntrUsiOnnn Nto MAhh LYf,, Aas It Izz wUt AH Be::: Uhh BrAin. MaH Brain REflex FoNDLee awN DA fUtUR $cenaRiO WerEE Ah Be Ynnn Uhhh DiRecT Lab ENviRonMNtt Doin Wrk aWn BrAinS OR At Least AidiN Daa CAws. Testinnnn An” TAmPErin Wit IZ $eeMInglEE InfinItEE FuNcsHUnss ApPEals 2 Me,,, Aas We’s iNtRudee Orrrr RePlIC8 usiN DErivatiV celll cuLtURs, ENgIneeriN, PROgRaMs, oRR WHatevUH OTha MeANs We’ss caYn mUstuh. Ahhhh ConSiDuh DiS PoTEntIall joBB uh KEayyy $TEP Nto Da WUrlddd O’ Research. Ah’m NWtt $uRRR WuT RoLeee ExaCtleee YoOoo REseaRcH PlaySS yn mAh fuTur, buT Ah Fel ITTTT Wil PLaayyy $UMM Role. An” ahh $upPoSeee DAt’$ aas TyGHT Uh PLacE 22 $TArT AaSS Enayy.

<-::SWAG Me OuT::->

Thank you for your time and for considering me for this position,


The Translation of Ideas into Destiny…

The dawn of man. The first guttural sounds, trickling out past the larynx. Squeezing past a history of evolution that kept us to grunting and growling and screeching. Language. Our first tool. We never saw it coming, but boy did it change things for us later apes.

We organised, into groups, into ideals, into political systems. Into communities, and into ghettos.

One such ghetto gave birth to yours truly. One such ghetto spawned the greatest gift the planet could have hoped for: Bridging communities together, making it clear what white people were saying and what black people meant. Allowing us to trade cultures, to exchange ideas, to traverse the bounds of our charged past. In an interview granted by The Obama in 2009, he cited the gangster translator as “the single source of reference I used to appeal and communicate to ghetto communities”. We’re going to say it was a successful venture. With the aid of fist-bumps, with the flicks of wrists, and with a solitary cool personality and large large ears, did our dear leader make history. Kept a secret by the NSA’s Blackmale Disclosure Curtain up until 2011, remained under the hood of the political regimen. It stayed in the shadows, spawning forth the personality quirks of our greatest hip-hop figures. Nas, Eminem, 50 cent, Busta Rhymes, Tyler the Creator, A Tribe Called Quest, Kanye West, and countless other ballers, gangsters, playa’s, hoochies, bitches, shawtys, and thugs.

There are few things you cannot ghettofy with this tool. Equivalent to the advent of agriculture, or the first sharpened chip of granite, be amazed as your messages and intentions rise far above those of your competitors. They’ll try to appeal to you with ‘sirs’ and ‘madams’ and ‘normal’ english speak. But to no avail. As you slip in the odd ‘bitch-ass’ ‘cracker’, be amazed as your conversations and messages triple in efficacy. We have had respondents in the field tell us their messages were some hundred-folds more effective in the obtainings of moneys, in the exchange of key foodstuffs and services, in getting them into lady’s panties. Oh yes, adapting this vernacular is no small undertaking, it seems almost too simple to believe. That a single click could change your life forever. Oh, but it could. And that is why it is life indeed, because miracles, the probabilistically inconceivable, scrape by and are achieved. This ebonics translator is one such miracle.

- Deedz from

Welcome, please heed stray bullets and gang tensions…


When it comes to translating, we can use the metaphor of guns.

A light, fast-fire gun has a lot of recoil. It ends up shooting a high number of bullets very quickly (Tittayys! and Pervs!), to cover as many riders of the opposite crew as possible. Only problem be, in the ghetto if there’s lots of high-rises and project buildings (eg. Bed Stuy, THE Projects), there’s gonna be a lot of peripheral spraying upwards into homie’s cribs and innocent lil niqqa’s running around trying to get their homework did are gonna get got.

This is similar to a lot of the ebonics and ghetto translators out there, high volume, high speed- but in the end, it’s all over the place. The changes from the english to the ghetto and ebonics are haphazard, and ends up illegible and frankly, non-convincing. This is not our translator.

What we’ve done here is similar to lowering the recoil- adding weight, for greater accuracy. Like with a heavier gun, a larger barrel means less recoil and faster dropping back down (thanks to gravity, for this and many things) return to the aimed position. The gun shoots somewhat slower, takes it time and may hit 5 bloods or crips dead on per clip. There aint no getting away, but you gotta pick yo targets . [If your heart didn't break just then, please go find a soul before using our translator. Gangster or no.] This is equivalent to a larger and heavier weapon- the weight is balanced around the handle to keep things more accurate for every bullet/slug/spray you fire.

That is not our translator.

Our translator fires like a mothafucking semi-automatic AA shotgun, presented here by this swagged out russian motherfucker. Doing the ebonic language, the ghetto blaster style-talk, the gangster, afro-american libel the right words to communicate with respective accuracy and convincingness. There is MAD power in every English to Ghetto ™ translate. Ebonics is its own, amazing language- impacted by violence, a sect of society that rose up from great perils of slavery and gradually moved into cities over the decades gone by. Protection was important.

The ebonic own way of speaking protected the culture from any more intrusion by squares, crooked cops, and anybody who don’t really fit in smoothly in our hood or lifestyle here. With violence, drugs, alcoholism conveniently provided by the corporate-influence armament stores, liquor stores, and crack at every corner. The ghetto version of ‘crack’ actually got, and still gets, more jail time than the exact same chemical compound in different forms that rich people could afford. Rich people who don’t live in the ghetto. PUU-LEASE I aint even frontin . So of course, police come in our hood and lock up our addicted brothahs and sistahs, with pains left to bear- in the past and present, holding out for some bright future. Who put them there? Some would say the government … To keep the people down. I say, we rose above it .


Follow our page, help us turn our translator into a goddamn fear-engraining drone-gun .

The Site (, Facebook, Twitter, all that.

***WE by no means encourage gang violence, gun use, or any forms of violence or racial slander with the use of our translator- we just sayin, there’s factors that come into play. We want you to talk the way we talk. Roll out.